Sugar And Rabid Fangirls: Hogwarts
by Luin Nuin and Eren
Summary: Hogwarts will never be the same again as the Elves of Darkness take on the challenge of writing the mad, sugar and magic filled years of the Marauders in Hogwarts. Duct tape, chocolate, pranks...what more could you possibly want?
1. A Sort of Sorting & Enter The Characters

L/N - I appear to be typing up this one as well because I'm the only one with home Net access. Meh. 

Welcome to the Elves of Darkness' version of the Marauders' years at Hogwarts.

Authoresses and OC's (note that the script used for each one is what each Elf of Darkness writes)

Elara Black - Nuiniachwen

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Shina Blue - Erenriel

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Mira Myrra - Luinramwen

(Magnesium Sulphate - Morriel - does not write)

Disclaimer: No, we don't own Hogwarts...or the Marauders...or any of the magical chocolate stashes...or any Firewhiskey. How stupid is that?! .

*~*~*CH. 1*~*~*

**"Blue, Shina..." the teacher called. A small girl with blue hair and lime green streaks scurried up and sat on the stool. **

"What a skewed mind. I am not even sure if you should be here instead of St. Mungo's, but that's not my decision. You're too hyper for Hufflepuff, not smart enough for Ravenclaw, and Slytherin would kill you. Better be GRYFFINDOR!"

The little girl squeaked and tumbled off of the stool and ran to the table, staring at all the nice shiny plates.

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"Myrra, Mira," called the teacher again. Mira, a mere wisp of a girl with shimmering silver hair, and large frightened, grey eyes, cautiously sat on the stool. The Hat was dropped over her eyes, and darkness enveloped her.

Mira screamed. "AUGH! Who turned out the lights?"

"Oh, dear," muttered the Hat in her ear, "another odd one. There's a bumper crop of those this year. Well. You may be scared of the dark, but you're not evil. Too quick for Hufflepuff, too slow for _Ravenclaw. Looks like, by default, you're a GRYFFINDOR!"_

Mira took the Hat off, unsure whether she'd just been complimented or insulted. She shrugged, and shot off the stool to Gryffindor table, almost knocking the boy beside her off the bench as she slid onto the very end of the table at light speed. "Sorry!" she said swiftly, helping him back upright. He gave her a frightened glance and edged away, closer to the kid on his left. Mira shrugged again and watched the rest of the Sorting impatiently. "I'm hungry," she grumbled to herself. "I hope there's chocolate in dessert."

When the Sorting Hat only had 5 (victims?) students left to sort to the houses, the doors that the soon-to-be-sorted kids had come through burst open with a bang. Everyone stopped talking and looked at the doors. A few seconds later, two girls walked through the doorwat. One of them was grinning. 

"Oops! Sorry! I hope I didn't ruin anything!" the girl said, putting her wand back into her sleeve. 

The other girl looked around, and said, "Sorry we're late. We kinda missed the train..." 

The other girl that had blown the doors open had opened her mouth and was about to add on to the statement, when the teacher interrupted, and said, "...Well, I suppose...Stand in line behind the others!"

"Why?" asked the other girl.

"We are Sorting the students in to their houses. You two are going to be Sorted, so wait."

"Oh," said the girls, then did as they were told.

A few seconds later, the girl who had blown the doors open had begun to hum loudly, while staring at the ceiling. The other girl was looking around at the various tables, deciding what house she'd like to be in. Both girls were hoping that the Hat didn't put them into Slytherin.

"Black, Elara," the teacher called.

"What? Oh! I'm gettin' sorted!" The girl that had blown the door open walked over to the stool, turned, and waved at everyone at the tables. "Hello!" she called to everyone.

A few kids raised their eyebrows, shook their heads, and began to whisper things about the black haired blue-eyed nutball who was about to be sorted. Elara sat on the stool, grinning. The teacher dropped the Sorting Hat on Elara's head, and the Hat slid over her eyes.

"Ooo! It's dark here! I like!" Elara squealed happily.

"Great. How many oddballs do I have to Sort?" the Hat whispered softly. 

"Oh!" Elara looked around, wondering who was talking to her. "Hi, Sorting Hat! How's life?"

"Fine..." said the Hat, sounding surprised. This was the only student who had tried to hold a real, worthwhile conversation with it. 

After about 5 minutes of conversation with the Hat, the Hat decided it was time to sort Elara.

"Sly..." the Hat started, but Elara pulled out her wand, and a blue flame wavered on the tip of her wand. 

"Not Slytherin, put me in Gryffindor, or I'll torch you." Elara's cheerful voice dropped to a low snarl.

"Gry...GRYFFINDOR!" the Hat shouted.

Elara's wand disappeared as fast as it had appeared. "Thanks Hat! Hope to chat with you again soon!" Elara said cheerfully, and skipped off to Gryffindor table after the teacher had taken the Hat. Elara sat right at the end of the table, and watched her friend get sorted.

****

"Hi, I'm Shina. And you're Mira. We're both in the same house so we're gonna be friends now," Shina said to the tiny girl near her.

"Um...OK..." the girl said uncertainly. Shina handed Mira a Fizzing Whizzbee.

"I once at a whole pack of these in one sitting," Shina said wistfully. "I didn't come down for three days."

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"Ooo! I want some!" yelled Elara, bouncing up and down and making the whole bench jump.

**"I've only got so much!" Shina yelled. "Get your own!"**

_"Don't say that!" A boy about halfways down the table called. "She'll make your life miserable if you don't give her the candy!"_

During all this, the other girl - a "Magnesium Sulphate" had been sitting patiently on the stool with the Hat over her head, waiting to be Sorted. She waited. And waited. And waited some more. And, for a change, she fidgeted as she waited.

Everyone watched expectantly. Elara took advantage of the distraction to pocket half the package of Fizzing Whizzbees in Shina's hands.

And still the Hat remained silent.

"Come on!" yelled Magnesium finally. "Sort me!"

"Slyth - Rave - Huff - Gryff - erin - claw - puff - dor! Yeah! Gryffindor!" yelled the Hat in panic as Maggie made to rip the Hat in half in her impatience.

"Good!" said Mira, shoving a Fizzing Whizzbee into her mouth. "Maybe now we can finally eat!"

"Yeff!" agreed Elara, through her fourth Whizzbee. Shina finally noticed half her stash was gone.

"Hey! Thief!"

"Oops..."Elara said sheepishly.

"You guys are hopeless," sighed another boy on Shina's left. "Here." He tapped the half-empty packet, muttered something, and suddenly the Whizzbees doubled, tripled, quadrupled.

"Hey thanks!" beamed Shina.

"I have got to learn that spell!" said Mira. "Um, who are you?"

"James Potter."

"Oh right! You're the one who made the Hat shriek with laughter. Come on, eat some Whizzbees!" Elara said, already levitating about a foot off her seat.

None of the new Gryffindors noticed when the feast began. They were too busy levitating.

The other students and staff finally noticed something was wrong when Mira, propelled upwards by one too many Whizzbees, floated to the ceiling and got stuck among the stars of her own constellation - in fact, right next to the star Mira. "Wheeee!" she yelled.

Mira was shortly followed by Shina, Elara, Maggie, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, several other first years she hadn't met yet, and for some odd reason, Professor Dumbledore and the Sorting Hat.

*~*~*

L/N - More of this will follow, hopefully quickly...or as soon as I get back the book. Hope you enjoyed chapter one!

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	2. Fizzing Whizzbees, the Sorting Hat, and ...

Authoresses and OC's (note that the script used for each one is what each Elf of Darkness writes)

Elara Black - Nuiniachwen

Shina Blue - Erenriel

Mira Myrra - Luinramwen

(Magnesium Sulphate - Morriel - does not write)

Disclaimer - We have been plotting for ages how it would be possible to yoink the Marauders from JK. No luck. For one, we can't even afford a plane ticket to England, nor the expensive weaponry, which would be a bitch to smuggle on the plane anyhow. Drat the luck!

---CH. 2---

Elara was about to eat another Fizzing Whizzbee that she had planned on saving for later when she finally began to look at the people that had floated up to the ceiling too.

"OK...Who do I know here..." Elara said thoughtfully. "That's Mira, and that's Shina, and there's Maggie..." Elara waved at Maggie, who waved back. Elara looked around and saw someone else. She dropped the Fizzing Whizzbee in shock.

"SIRIUS!" Elara yelled, trying to figure out how to get to him. Sirius turned, and looked as shocked as Elara did.

"I didn't know you came to Hogwarts!" said Sirius.

"You weren't payin' atttention during the Sorting were you?!" Elara said, grinning. "I made the doors open!"

"Yea, with help from me!" said Maggie. **She kicked off of the ceiling and tucked into a ball, somersaulting through the air. She continued in a straight line until she hit Shina and was bounced in the opposite direction. "So you're Elara's cousin? Cool! Do you like blowing things up too?"**

"Of course!" laughed Sirius as he walked upside down on the ceiling. "And the prettier the colours and the louder the noise the better!"

Meanwhile, when he had been hit by Maggie, Shina had been propelled backwards - and into Remus Lupin.

"Oops, sorry!" she apologized sheepishly, blushing furiously. They both blushed and pushed off each other in the direction towards their separate set of friends.

"Help!" yelled Mira. "I'm stuck in the stars. Hey - wait - I'm a star! Cool!" She did a whirling somersault and started singing. "When I'm up I can't get down, can't get down, can't get level, when I'm up I can't get down, get my feet back on the ground -"

Shina joined in. "Broken angel, take that plane and fingerpaint the sky - till everything shines!" She pulled out her wand, and with a flick, managed to produced a can of shiny blue paint from nowhere. Shina stuck her fingers in the paint and began playing _connect-the-dots with the constellations._

Elara did a somersault as well, and a supersized bottle of shampoo fell out of her pocket onto the students below. "Oh, sh -" She cut herself off when Dumbledore gave her The Look.

The bottle of shampoo conked the greasy haired kid, "Snape, Severus," on the head and knocked him out cold.

"Oh yeah! Bullseye! I mean - uh - oooops..." Elara corrected herself hurriedly, then tumbled away to hide behind Maggie and Mira. Dumbledore continued to glare at her.

Peter shot by, squeaking and flailing at the air as the Sorting Hat tumbled rapidly after him, singing a demonic song to torture annoying first years. (It was the Barney theme song, but Peter didn't know that. He wouldn't have known who Barney was even if he had known. All he knew was it terrified him)

"I drew a shiny blue turtle!" announced Shina.

Dumbledore drew a rabbit by connecting several different constellations. "My goodness, I haven't had this much fun in years!"

"Is dinner always this entertaining?" a first-year Ravenclaw called up to those floating around the ceiling.

"I dunno. How often do people eat Fizzing Whizzbees with their dinner here?" Elara yelled back.

"I don't know, it's my first year!" The Ravenclaw yelled.

"Same here!" Elara yelled, then waved and decided to teach the Hat a good song, in an effort to make the Sorting Hat stop singing the stupid Barney theme song. (In fact, most first years were scared out of their minds by the Sorting Hat's song. Elara was going to teach the Hat 'The Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves' but she thought better of it.)

Shina suddenly looked alarmed. "Oh no!" she shrieked. "I'm sinking!"

Indeed, she was slowly falling back towards the earth. So was everyone else.

"Oh no! I can't stop falling!" Mira cried.

Elara grabbed at the air and flapped her arms in a desperate attempt to stay afloat. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" she cussed. Dumbledore glared at her. "Meep! Um, cluck, cluck, cluck?"

Dumbledore gave her a Look that said, "Oh, suuuure. Right. But as it's your first day I won't give you a detention. Yet."

"More Fizzing Whizzbees!" yelled Maggie. "Please! No! I was having fun! I don't want to fall!"

Mira stretched out in midair and crossed her arms behind her head. "Wake me when we hit the ground. Actually, on second thought, don't, I'd rather be spared the pain for a few moments at least. " And with that she fell promptly asleep.

Peter and Remus exchanged looks as they sort of tumbled upside down. "And I thought she was normal, and quiet," Peter whispered.

"What've you been smoking?" Remus snickered. "She nearly flattened me when she tackled the bench after she was Sorted. Normal would be abnormal."

Shina frantically searched the pockets of her robes for any more Fizzing Whizzbees, finally coming up with two half-pieces. "Yes!"

However, she was immediately tackled by half the other Gryffindor first years wanting the candy so they could stay up longer, her friends included. Mira, however, slept on, oblivious.

A sleeping person to a prankster is the perfect target. All of a sudden a burst of blue light from the middle of the crowd of people fighting for Whizzbees streaked through the air, hit Mira, and turned the small girl bright blue. No one noticed as of yet.

Elara floated higher as everyone else fell down lower. Somehow, inexplicably, she had managed to obtain both half-pieces of Shina's last Fizzing Whizzbees. Elara snickered. "Hehe. I'm goin' up and you're not!"

Shina glared at Elara. "You owe me Fizzing Whizzbees!"

Elara shrugged, grabbed the can of shiny blue paint, and started to decide which stars to play connect-the-dots with first. The Elara thought of something she should ask about.

"Heys. Umm...Before I get any higher, who exactly turned Mira blue?"

"I don't know!" Sirius said innocently. Elara gave him the Look that said, "Right. And I'm gonna believe you why?"

"I swear, I didn't do it Elara!"

"I have the last piece of Fizzing Whizzbee! Tell me the truth, and I'll give it to you!"

"It was me!" chorused the four boys and Shina. They began a mid-air wrestling match as they sank to the ground.

"OW! She BIT me!" Remus howled. Shina laughed maniacally and punched James in the face.

"It was mine to begin with!" Shina laughed insanely. "It should be mine by default!"

"She drew blood," Remus whimpered, holding up his hand.

Mira woke up as a random hex hit her.

"CHEAT!" howled James, holding his nose. Mira's ears began to sing 'Run Runaway'.

"Ow! F!!! that's loud!" She shook her head, going slightly cross-eyed from the force, and stared at the wrestling match taking place now only a few feet above everyone's heads. "Ummm....I think I missed something...."

"OW!" yelled Remus again. "Now both hands are bleeding!"

Mira sort of swam through the air to where Remus was floating. "I could try to heal 'em," she offered.

"Thanks...."

Mira tried to remember how the spell went. She muttered something, and Remus' hands were turned into teapots. He yelped in shock.

"Shit. Sorry. That wasn't supposed to happen...but at least they're no longer bleeding...And they'll make good weapons in the fight!"

Before long, Remus was back in the midst of it all, bonking his friends with his teapot hands.

Elara was out of range of Remus, so she pointed and laughed.

Shina had been knocked out and landed face first in a bowl of chocolate pudding. Mmmmmm....

"STOP!" yelled Dumbledore, still floating several feet above the brawl. No one stopped. Frustrated, the Headmaster threw down the Sorting Hat, which got caught in the melee. Yelling and cursing could be heard from the Hat. Thus, the Hat, which had been in near-perfect condition up till then, was transformed into the tattered and woebegone thing it is more well-known as, many years in the future.

Elara looked down at the brawl below her. "HEY! Now they're beating on a poor hat - the Sorting Hat! OK. This has gone too far." Elara pushed her hair out of her face, getting shiny blue paint in her hair. "Charge!" Elara shrieked, threw the can of blue paint down ("!##!!!" screamed the Hat) and tried to get to the fight. Elara tried to somersault to get down.

"F!CK!" muttered Elara after her sad attempt to get down to the fight failed. Then she got an idea. She held up the half-piece of Fizzing Whizzbee, and muttered something, then grinned as the candy multiplied.

"Fizzing Whizzbees for everyone!" Elara yelled, throwing down the Fizzing Whizzbees. ('Hell. If I can't get to the fight, I'll bring it to me!') One of the Whizzbees bounced off of the back of Dumbledore's head.

"Oops!" Elara said as the Headmaster turned to glare at her. "Umm...I didn't mean to. I was umm...trying to stop the fight!"

"With more Fizzing Whizzbees?" asked Dumbledore, raising one of his eyebrows.

"Well, that's what they wanted right?" Elara said, trying to figure out who to hit with something next. ('That Snape was a good target....')

"Food fight!" Shina yelled as she came to and tossed a spoonful of mashed potatoes at Snape in the net table. Why the Slytherin and Gryffindor tables are side by side is beyond me, it's like they're asking for a food fight.

Snape snarled and tossed a fistful of peas in her direction - which hit Frank Longbottom in the forehead. Longbottom retaliated by getting Malfoy with creme corn. James ducked a piece of chicken and got Rodolphus Lestrange with a piece of pumpkin pie. Hufflepuff, not wanting to be left out, joined in and began pelting Ravenclaws with jellybeans and carrots. The Ravenclaws, not wanting to be outdone, levitated a big vat of gravy and upended it on the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors.

Not wishing to be left out, the other still-floating Gryffindors grabbed up food from the table and began sniping off unsuspecting Slytherins. Mira beaned the large and slow Crabbe and Goyle (literally). Elara happily pelted whatever Slytherins she saw with some of Hagrid's rock cakes, which he had donated for the feast - not that they were being eaten, they'd break your teeth. But Elara had found a perfect use for them: ammunition. Maggie, unwilling to be outdone, stole some Fizzing Whizzbees, grabbed a whole chicken, ate the Whizzbees, and floated over to drop it on Bellatrix Black's head. The chicken knocked her out cold, and bounced to hit the recently-regained-consciousness Snape. He was knocked out for the second time that evening. (Poor guy. You almost feel sorry for him - NOT!)

Soon the Great Hall was a flying mess of food. Yelling, screaming, cursing (and in the case of Mira's ears, still singing 'Run Runaway') and laughter filled the Hall. Elara actually glimpsed a few of the younger teachers occasionally pelting a student, then turning to either glare disprovingly or whistle innocently as Dumbledore looked in their _direction._

Mira ducked a glob of something green (coleslaw, she decided, definitely coleslaw -) and dumped a bowl of mushroom soup down the back of some Slytherin's robes. Laughing maniacally, she went back to the table for more ammunition. If this was Hogwarts, it was certainly an extremely entertaining place.

Remus loaded up ladles with mashed potatoes to flick at the others. With Peter, alternately loading and shooting, they bombarded several unlucky kids who'd nearly run out of ammunition.

Sirius flung whatever food came to hand, regardless of who he hit. When Shina was smacked in the head by a wayward steack, he quickly altered position to the other side of the table and pretended not to notice Shina's suspicious look.

James was involved in a duel with breadsticks, with som kid who was so covered in food it was impossible to recognize them. However, the kid refused to give up and repeatedly poked James with their breadstick 'weapon' until James collapsed in giggles, being extremely ticklish.

Shina retaliated by picking up a gravyboat and dumping it over Sirius' head.

Maggie picked up two large pieces of broccoli and used them to daub blue paint from the miraculously unspilled can on anything that moved.

Order was not restored for a very long time - no one could control the mayhem. And so the food fight raged on....


End file.
